Everyday I look in the mirror and think, I am not fat nor am I of extreme ugliness, why am I so unhappy? 

Is it because I don’t have a lot of money? I’ve scratched that, even when I have money, I don’t feel happy. 

Is it because I am apart from my husband? I’ve become bitter thinking that was the cause, but when I saw my husband I was somewhat happy for a while, but it doesn’t last. I kept thinking that it would all change once I go home and to be able to live our lives together, finally. I think I am wrong if I think that… 

It’s not what I have, it’s not what I don’t have that makes me unhappy. It’s not what I have achieved in life that should make me feel happy. There’s nothing wrong wanting more than I have, it should be healthy – but I was missing the point. It’s not getting what I want that would make me happy, it shouldn’t be my only aim. I had lost myself in the process of wanting what I want. I had literally forgotten who I am and what I used to like to do. I began to remember, the first thing that I say to myself everyday that I look in the mirror is, “I hate myself”. Loud and clear, I say it in my mind, everyday for at least the past 6 years. It had become a habit. Something I do on auto-pilot, I wasn’t aware of it anymore. I have no idea why I hate myself. I had been so consumed with getting what I want – a medical degree, which I still hadn’t gotten, that I have lost myself. 

I said to myself yesterday, something’s got to change. I had to take the plunge – I am unhappy, there is something wrong with ME, and nothing else around me nor is anybody else I blame. I got a book and I read it. The first few chapters did nothing much to me, until I read this:

“Wanting more and having less is not the cause of our unhappiness. Unhappiness is simply the lack of joy and has nothing to do with our external condition. The real cause of unhappiness is the absence of joy. Unhappiness is similar to darkness. Darkness is the absence of light. The way to remove darkness is simply to turn the lights. Likewise, our unhappiness lessens as we learn to turn on the light within ourselves.”                                                                     - John Gray, How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have. 

That clicked me. That made a whole lot of sense to me. All other websites with guidance on how to be happy and how to find your true self i.e. reading a book, pacing yourself, finding pleasure in little things in life etc, won’t work on me. It may work temporarily but the root of the problem is still there. I hate myself. 

I have so many barriers that I have to lift if I want to achieve this ‘inner peace’ by starting with the first step of liking myself. This book is suppose to tell me how to do it, once I have achieve this inner peace, I’d be able to attract and achieve outer success and then be even happier with it. I have learnt as well, praying to God to ask for happiness is just way to too easy. It doesn’t work that way. 

“When you pray, God only does the part that you can’t do.”

I haven’t done everything I can to feel happy. I cannot expect it to be done for me, not even from God. It would be just way too easy. 

I was hoping this would be the end of my university life and yet I was also worried about properly starting a married life, for real, full time as well as starting on a new job, a real job, something I had learnt for the past lifetime, still wouldn’t suffice to everything I’d face at work, and in life. All this extra time, I found myself reflecting about my life and life in general ever so often. My friend once said to me, being alive is already an achievement in itself, which I found was true. I’ve met and known many people who seek respect, trust and love without knowing that these things have to be earned and not expected, with exception to parents, who had unconditionally provided everything on Earth that they can. I once said to my best friend, how all mothers deserve to go to heaven, just for being pregnant alone. It just made me realised how these lessons of life, you don’t learn from school. You learn from experiences and God will not give you something you cannot pursue, only to make you a stronger person. Reminiscing back to the years that I’ve lived here, I was glad that God was always here and had always been, because He wanted me to be a stronger person, who could withstand hardship and failure. 

Then again, I remembered in school, starting in year 4 of primary school, how one of the types of essay that we had to learn to write – autobiography/biography. Either writing about being a pencil or a person, it was not just about writing about being pencil which would undoubtedly end with ‘death’ after being sharpened to an unacceptable length and finally discarded. It was about putting oneself in other people’s shoes, in order to, if not emphatise, just at least symphatise about. It amazed me as to how many people, from all types of socioeconomic background and education, had failed to recognise or maybe forgotten, or hadn’t learn from the pencil story, this truly valuable skill of life. I would count myself as one of those people who probably don’t symphatise very well, nonetheless I would not make it my life’s objectives to seek people’s respect and understanding without first giving them, nor would I judge how people run their life. However, what I found infuriatingly disgusting would be people who blamed others on the decisions they had made themselves or rather, made the decisions on account of someone else’s opinions in order to blame them in later life if they were wrong. I had decided a very long time ago, since I was 16 or 17, that I would decide for myself what I would do with my life and I would take full responsibility for them, whether they have good or bad consequences. I wished I would never make that mistakes in my later life, as hopefully I still have a long life to live and many mistakes to make and learn from, not just my mistakes, also from the mistakes of other people around me that I could learn from. 

‘Aku sebatang pensel’ and I would achieve as much as I could for the rest of my life before I become too ‘short’ to provide and I wished to be discarded with love, appreciation and dignity, which I would earn.

The film was great, I’d give 4 and a half stars! I laughed and laughed. Despite the fact that the film, as always, did not follow exactly as the plots in the book, but I was happy. Isla Fisher, as main Becky Bloomwood, was adorable, refreshing and just crazy! Nobody could be Becky better than her. I love all the outfits and the jewelleries, one I remembered distinctly a massive blue anchor pendant with chain that looked like a ship rope, and oh, the shoessssssss. The fact that she has most things pink – including a macbook with pink shell, exactly like mine! Despite the fact that I used to be a shopaholic, but I managed to make myself stopped after reading that book! I could totally relate to how she was describing of how wonderful the feeling was, going to the nicely decorated shops, trying things on, purchasing them at the counter and how proud it felt like to carry those bags out of the store, thinking these are mine! 

Luke Brandon was damn hot – I don’t think I’ve seen him in any films before, but bear in mind I’ve been pretty off by years since I started doing medicine, huhu. He’s the most perfect cast for Luke Brandon. Becky’s best friend, Suze? She played Lucy, Rory’s arty friend in Yale in Gilmore Girls. I remembered her big round eyes and very elevated pitches of voice, always cute and happy. I was excited to see her on the big screen. Throughout the film, she was all supportive of Becky, having fun, jokes, until she found out that the dress that Becky was supposed to wear as her bridesmaid, was worn by some random homeless person on the street and she was in tears, screaming to Becky to explain. Man, I’ve never seen Lucy (as in Gilmore Girls) like that, I felt that really took me, well done Krysten Ritter, this would be a chance to be offered more and more to be on the silver screen. And I love Becky’s parents – as I watched I was reminded of Flinstones (Fred) and Toy Story 2 (Jesse) haha. 

Overall, it was a nice lighthearted feel-good film that I would definitely recommend for anyone, shopaholic or not! 

Confession of an Ex-Shopaholic – When will I ever get to dress like her in that film, or like Andy in The Devil Wears Prada?? Even if I work my butt off to have enough money to spend like that, I would hardly have the opportunity to wear them, being on a career path that requires me to dress like a lab attendant (in Malaysia) everyday, damnnnnnnnnn!!!!!

I can decorate this entire flat any way I want! The couch has two little blue pillows with no covers at all. So I was inspired to spice it up a bit with ribbons I got from buying fleece PJs from Primark. I called them, ‘Little Gift Cushions’ – one for Rory and one for Smokey. 

I’ve been baking quite a bit also, although unplanned, rather with things I can gather in the kitchen. Revising makes me hungry all the time… Never mind, I’ll lose it back after finals. Today I baked these oat cookies with raisins. They’re very easy to make and very very light and ‘delish’ to munch, especially when they’re fresh from the oven. 

Oat Cookies 

1/2 cup of butter 

1/2 cup of sugar

1/2 cup of self raising flour

1 cup of instant oat 

3/4 cup of raisins/sultanas 

1 tsp vanilla essence 

Whisk the butter and sugar until pale and creamy. Add all the other ingredients. Roll into balls and flatten them to shape like cookies (If they don’t stick too well, add a splash of milk). Bake in a preheated oven at 180 degree Celsius for about 12 – 15 minutes. 

And yummy yummy here they are

Good till the last crumb… crummies!

One Friday I acquired a mini one-seater sofa. It started with this test-run, which

Led to this…. 

and finally this, 

all by fully utilising my new designer duvet cover, my Happy Meal ladybug and Smokey’s red scarf that was knitted by Wina, before we first came to England. More to come X

1. I am still a baby myself, I cry for my mommy when I am sad or troubled or for no reason. 
2. I am not ready to have my youthful body to be ‘changed’ in any way, especially by growing a human being inside of me and especially when I have actual fear of being a rubenesque. ( I am a Kate Moss generation after all)
3. My laptop is definitely my precious. I am possibly one of the minority of ‘gadget-girls’. I love gadgets – I’d buy them all if I can. I own an iPhone, Spi-dog, on the way for a Roomba, iRobot. 

I am a proud owner of a 13′ Macbook in white for almost a year and a half now. I had been dreaming of having a Mac something (iMac or Macbook) since I was 16, after watching Gilmore Girls when Lorelai gave her daughter, Rory an older version of Macbook with funky colours and handle, it looked so cool! 7 years later, I took the plunge and I was not sorry at all that I did. My first laptop was an Acer, which my dad bought me during my first year in England. It died on me after 3 years. Brought it back and is currently used by my parents at home. It was called Smokey’s laptop and still is, LOL. There were a few adjustments that I needed to learn when converting to Mac from Windows. 

White laptop… needs a lot of care. I find myself constantly having to clean it despite using an iSkin starting a few days after I bought this laptop. The skin gets greasy, the keyboard gets greasy. I tried many ways, as suggested by people on various forums, hadn’t found the best way yet until today. I tried eraser – the dust, not keen on that getting into the keyboard. Lemon juice? – did not work at all. Toothpaste? -left a distinct dark shadowing after that so no. Today I tried another one and it worked like magic. It’d probably the best so far – use a make up remover. Probably the best use for make up remover, if it is safe enough to put into your eyes, it should logically be safe enough on your computer. I tipped a drop of my Loreal eye make up remover  onto a soft sponge and cleaned in between the keys and dried it with the rest of the sponge. It was fantastic! Here’s the proof – the after pictures, no befores since I did not think of putting it on here. 

K for Khamis. Hehe 

Despite the new generation of Macbooks that look absolutely slick and gorgeous, I love my Macbook, my clean, white Macbook…

The story started like this, I had been advertising and searching for a replacement for house contract for over a month now. I had moved out. House hunting for post grads was over. I had lost hope. This month alone, I had put a massive hole in my bank account to move out and for my new place. I had lost hope, but I had not lost faith. I kept praying to God, day and night. I learnt a new surah in Quran, Al Waqiah. The Prophet Muhammad had said that “if one read this surah daily one will never be poor.” The third day I read it, that afternoon I received a cheque for 100 quid, which I did not remember why. It was for travel claim for my hospital placement, which was usually a myth because people rarely got it. And I got it, the full amount of my reimbursement. Weeks gone by. 

This morning, after Fajr. I read it again with other chapters that I had started learning. On the morning of my 6th month anniversary, after doing my aerobics and having a shower, I received a phone call from an unknown number, which I was reluctant to pick up. Turned out someone wanted to view my room. I told my best friend Iris to keep praying he would take the room. Less hope more faith, I waited for him to come. And he wanted the room!!! I skipped and danced and sang the whole time to get home to tell Iris! Hoped my parents would be online so I could tell them the good news! 

This is the best 6th month anniversary gift ever, thank you God. Thank you so much. Thank you mama and papa for the prayers!

Yesterday I took a few pictures and had asked my husband to edit our favourite wedding shot, because I’d like to blow it up on canvas frame. He insisted I put it on my blog because he wanted to see what I wrote about it. I should insist he puts it on his so I can see what he writes about it, apart from the technical details. I am an expert in literacy of my own feelings and opinions, mainly because I am too chickened out to voice it out most of the times. I had major abreactions to ‘speaking-my-own-mind’ syndrome in the past. Therefore my soul’s pretty much shaken up by the experience that I decided to write down my thoughts. I have an outlet and I don’t get told off for having the most unpopular opinions in the world of the orthodox and the ‘arrogant’s and the ‘ignorant’s – win-win situation, yes? 

Men don’t talk about feelings. Most of time, I find myself skulking in the dark, wondering what else should I do or have done to be noticed or to feel appreciated. I won’t even know when he’s happy or sad. I can’t tell. Communication, please!

Men don’t do remembering important dates, e.g. birthdays, anniversaries. A simple text on the phone or a drop of line in an email or maybe with a bit more effort, an animated or musical e-card to say ‘Hey let’s celebrate, it’s been great with you!’.

Men don’t do presents nor greeting cards, as they’re for sissies. So… what is it that men do then? Well, guess what? We (as in women) don’t necessarily enjoy doing those things for the reason of ‘oh we’re the soft creatures that do nothing else in our world but reminiscence about anniversaries and have a long thought about what to give as your perfect present’. Oh woops we do. I can’t speak for everyone but I believe that one of the reasons women give and give and give is so that we are treated that way back. It’s logical, it makes sense, what you give you get back. We like to receive, once in a while, hence we are not afraid to keep giving and then to hang wondering if karma has woken up. Come on, if it makes us happy, we would never see you as sissies for giving us presents and buying us nice greeting cards. You may not like it, but we do. We like opening wrappers to see what surprise is it inside and opening the envelope to at least see your signature at the end. It makes us feel appreciated. It never hurts to make us happy, because then we will bring all that happiness we get and give it all back to you – in exponential fashion. So, how about that? Win-double-win-for-you situation? 

This is my favourite picture from the wedding, taken half a year ago. It was randomly taken by my cousin at the reception and if only our photographers would have taken more of these kinds of spontaneous shots to capture ‘the’ moment and the real happiness that shone. Every time I look back to these wedding photos, it feels surreal that I am married and had a wedding. Surreal… Regardless I am going to embrace ‘the’ moment and say, “Happy 6th month anniversary, baby!”. People say first year of marriage is the hardest (and I do not disagree) and we’re halfway there so kudos to us. Let’s keep working on making it better for both of us, shall we? and so WE SHALL  

Now I can be at peace, I can live without fear of someone knocking on my door telling me to turn off my videochat because I was allegedly slowing the internet connection, I can buy fresh food because I have the fridge space, I am at peace, although I have to pay A LOT MORE than I had to previously, I am desperate to not trade my mental and physical health to save money. I made the worst mistake in my life, therefore I had to really pay for it. I can only pray to God to help me. 

I woke up this morning in peace, prayed Fajr prayer and read short verses of Quran. In the darkness of Fajr, I lit my oil burner, which I bought from German Christmas Market, the prettiest little house, to make this room smell like home to me. I decided to take out my little black camera, Canon Powershot A640 10MP to shoot this little scene (and to make my husband proud )

My husband enjoys photography and has been taking it rather seriously for quite a while now. He would show me the pictures that he’d taken and taught me how to use my camera, because my camera can do a lot more than just auto shots. I’ve learnt that the manipulation of this simple invention of tripod can make massive difference in your pictures. I do not intend to go into photography or spend anymore on adding things, I would learn with what I already have and to me, that’s the beauty of it.

This first picture is one of the photos I took and that’s the best out of all. Since my camera is a little camera but is not as compact as a compact camera, it has limited ISO (up to 800) and lens focal point ranges are very limited. I did my best. This picture was taken with max ISO and the littlest focal point I could get f4.1, with little manipulation of scene colour to vivid. Don’t be fooled, this is my German house oil burner, with a chimney on top to put water and aromatherapy oil, so that it looks like smokes are coming out the chimney, and candle in the house making it looks like the house is well lit with fireplace in the windows. Check out the window frame with some remnants of snow! I showed this picture to my husband, who thought it was a massive mansion in the woods, whilst my mother, thought it was the house I just moved into. 

I uploaded the pictures on iPhoto and edited the best one on it as well, because I do not have Adobe Photoshop (even if I do, I wouldn’t know how to use it, it is far too complicated for me. iPhoto is fabulous enough for me. I changed the colour to antique, boosted the colour once and blurred the edges by 6 times. My husband helped putting the frames and my initial. 

There’s no place like home… there’s no place like home. Now I’ve found my sanctuary.