Waves of Joy, Drowning in Depression – A Journey of Finding Personal Success
I had a moment of self discovery, a moment of realisation that there is something truly wrong with the way I think, the way I feel.
Everyday I look in the mirror and think, I am not fat nor am I of extreme ugliness, why am I so unhappy?
Is it because I don’t have a lot of money? I’ve scratched that, even when I have money, I don’t feel happy.
Is it because I am apart from my husband? I’ve become bitter thinking that was the cause, but when I saw my husband I was somewhat happy for a while, but it doesn’t last. I kept thinking that it would all change once I go home and to be able to live our lives together, finally. I think I am wrong if I think that…
It’s not what I have, it’s not what I don’t have that makes me unhappy. It’s not what I have achieved in life that should make me feel happy. There’s nothing wrong wanting more than I have, it should be healthy – but I was missing the point. It’s not getting what I want that would make me happy, it shouldn’t be my only aim. I had lost myself in the process of wanting what I want. I had literally forgotten who I am and what I used to like to do. I began to remember, the first thing that I say to myself everyday that I look in the mirror is, “I hate myself”. Loud and clear, I say it in my mind, everyday for at least the past 6 years. It had become a habit. Something I do on auto-pilot, I wasn’t aware of it anymore. I have no idea why I hate myself. I had been so consumed with getting what I want – a medical degree, which I still hadn’t gotten, that I have lost myself.
I said to myself yesterday, something’s got to change. I had to take the plunge – I am unhappy, there is something wrong with ME, and nothing else around me nor is anybody else I blame. I got a book and I read it. The first few chapters did nothing much to me, until I read this:
“Wanting more and having less is not the cause of our unhappiness. Unhappiness is simply the lack of joy and has nothing to do with our external condition. The real cause of unhappiness is the absence of joy. Unhappiness is similar to darkness. Darkness is the absence of light. The way to remove darkness is simply to turn the lights. Likewise, our unhappiness lessens as we learn to turn on the light within ourselves.” - John Gray, How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have.
That clicked me. That made a whole lot of sense to me. All other websites with guidance on how to be happy and how to find your true self i.e. reading a book, pacing yourself, finding pleasure in little things in life etc, won’t work on me. It may work temporarily but the root of the problem is still there. I hate myself.
I have so many barriers that I have to lift if I want to achieve this ‘inner peace’ by starting with the first step of liking myself. This book is suppose to tell me how to do it, once I have achieve this inner peace, I’d be able to attract and achieve outer success and then be even happier with it. I have learnt as well, praying to God to ask for happiness is just way to too easy. It doesn’t work that way.
“When you pray, God only does the part that you can’t do.”
I haven’t done everything I can to feel happy. I cannot expect it to be done for me, not even from God. It would be just way too easy.
Aku Sebatang Pensel
After what felt like a lifetime of cramming and revising, I was finally done with final medicine and surgery exam on Wed, only to find out that no matter how much time I might have to cram, it probably wouldn’t make much of a difference to my performance in exam. It was upsetting. Apart from crying the night before the first day of OSCE, I cried in the afternoon after I was done with the second day of OSCE. Experiencing kind of a mixed complex feelings of being worried whether I have done enough to pass the finals, suddenly feeling at lost to what was I going to do as I felt my life had lost its aim and direction to steer towards, and how this would be the end of my journey after living in this country for almost 5 years. I felt sad to have to move on to another stage of my life and yet I also wanted to move on because it had been too long, keeping my fingers crossed and prayers said constantly to be able to go home.
I was hoping this would be the end of my university life and yet I was also worried about properly starting a married life, for real, full time as well as starting on a new job, a real job, something I had learnt for the past lifetime, still wouldn’t suffice to everything I’d face at work, and in life. All this extra time, I found myself reflecting about my life and life in general ever so often. My friend once said to me, being alive is already an achievement in itself, which I found was true. I’ve met and known many people who seek respect, trust and love without knowing that these things have to be earned and not expected, with exception to parents, who had unconditionally provided everything on Earth that they can. I once said to my best friend, how all mothers deserve to go to heaven, just for being pregnant alone. It just made me realised how these lessons of life, you don’t learn from school. You learn from experiences and God will not give you something you cannot pursue, only to make you a stronger person. Reminiscing back to the years that I’ve lived here, I was glad that God was always here and had always been, because He wanted me to be a stronger person, who could withstand hardship and failure.
Then again, I remembered in school, starting in year 4 of primary school, how one of the types of essay that we had to learn to write – autobiography/biography. Either writing about being a pencil or a person, it was not just about writing about being pencil which would undoubtedly end with ‘death’ after being sharpened to an unacceptable length and finally discarded. It was about putting oneself in other people’s shoes, in order to, if not emphatise, just at least symphatise about. It amazed me as to how many people, from all types of socioeconomic background and education, had failed to recognise or maybe forgotten, or hadn’t learn from the pencil story, this truly valuable skill of life. I would count myself as one of those people who probably don’t symphatise very well, nonetheless I would not make it my life’s objectives to seek people’s respect and understanding without first giving them, nor would I judge how people run their life. However, what I found infuriatingly disgusting would be people who blamed others on the decisions they had made themselves or rather, made the decisions on account of someone else’s opinions in order to blame them in later life if they were wrong. I had decided a very long time ago, since I was 16 or 17, that I would decide for myself what I would do with my life and I would take full responsibility for them, whether they have good or bad consequences. I wished I would never make that mistakes in my later life, as hopefully I still have a long life to live and many mistakes to make and learn from, not just my mistakes, also from the mistakes of other people around me that I could learn from.
‘Aku sebatang pensel’ and I would achieve as much as I could for the rest of my life before I become too ’short’ to provide and I wished to be discarded with love, appreciation and dignity, which I would earn.
Confession of a Shopaholic – A Review
I was psyched when there was talk about this movie being out last month. Having read most of Sophie Kinsella’s books, minus all the new ones that I never had the chance to check out – the last one I read was shopaholic and sister, I knew this movie was going to be great. Despite all the pressure to sit for the final of final exams, I had to go and watch it while my friend was in town, because everyone knew how pathetic and creep it would be to watch films in cinema alone. I was expecting a great deal and I remembered Isla Fisher from Wedding Crashers. She was a very cute character but not necessarily dumb. I liked her from there and it would be interesting to see how she played a main character, rather than just supporting part in Wedding Crashers.
The film was great, I’d give 4 and a half stars! I laughed and laughed. Despite the fact that the film, as always, did not follow exactly as the plots in the book, but I was happy. Isla Fisher, as main Becky Bloomwood, was adorable, refreshing and just crazy! Nobody could be Becky better than her. I love all the outfits and the jewelleries, one I remembered distinctly a massive blue anchor pendant with chain that looked like a ship rope, and oh, the shoessssssss. The fact that she has most things pink – including a macbook with pink shell, exactly like mine! Despite the fact that I used to be a shopaholic, but I managed to make myself stopped after reading that book! I could totally relate to how she was describing of how wonderful the feeling was, going to the nicely decorated shops, trying things on, purchasing them at the counter and how proud it felt like to carry those bags out of the store, thinking these are mine!
Luke Brandon was damn hot – I don’t think I’ve seen him in any films before, but bear in mind I’ve been pretty off by years since I started doing medicine, huhu. He’s the most perfect cast for Luke Brandon. Becky’s best friend, Suze? She played Lucy, Rory’s arty friend in Yale in Gilmore Girls. I remembered her big round eyes and very elevated pitches of voice, always cute and happy. I was excited to see her on the big screen. Throughout the film, she was all supportive of Becky, having fun, jokes, until she found out that the dress that Becky was supposed to wear as her bridesmaid, was worn by some random homeless person on the street and she was in tears, screaming to Becky to explain. Man, I’ve never seen Lucy (as in Gilmore Girls) like that, I felt that really took me, well done Krysten Ritter, this would be a chance to be offered more and more to be on the silver screen. And I love Becky’s parents – as I watched I was reminded of Flinstones (Fred) and Toy Story 2 (Jesse) haha.
Overall, it was a nice lighthearted feel-good film that I would definitely recommend for anyone, shopaholic or not!
Confession of an Ex-Shopaholic – When will I ever get to dress like her in that film, or like Andy in The Devil Wears Prada?? Even if I work my butt off to have enough money to spend like that, I would hardly have the opportunity to wear them, being on a career path that requires me to dress like a lab attendant (in Malaysia) everyday, damnnnnnnnnn!!!!!
Goodbye Grissom
There are very few male TV heroes that I truly admire… and Gil Grissom, played by William Petersen, in Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) Las Vegas, is the one to top my list. Having had recent frustration, it added up when I saw that there would be a double episode of CSI as a tribute/last goodbye to Grissom, as he won’t be in the show anymore, not as the main man anyway. He’s so different to all the other leaders in other CSIs – he’s smart, philosophical, quirky, odd and just… crazy about bugs. You’ll be truly missed – I doubt I’d enjoy CSI as much as when you were on! Please change your mind and don’t quit!
Gift Cushions & Oat Cookies
Less than 5 weeks approaching finals – although I can assure myself that this won’t be the last examination I would ever sat in my entire life, I want it to be the last one this year. In addition to that, this pending visa fiasco remains a worry. Nonetheless, I do feel happier where I am now i.e. my new house, as I can do whatever I want anytime I want without having to worry/be intimidated by people.
I can decorate this entire flat any way I want! The couch has two little blue pillows with no covers at all. So I was inspired to spice it up a bit with ribbons I got from buying fleece PJs from Primark. I called them, ‘Little Gift Cushions’ – one for Rory and one for Smokey.
I’ve been baking quite a bit also, although unplanned, rather with things I can gather in the kitchen. Revising makes me hungry all the time… Never mind, I’ll lose it back after finals. Today I baked these oat cookies with raisins. They’re very easy to make and very very light and ‘delish’ to munch, especially when they’re fresh from the oven.
Oat Cookies
1/2 cup of butter
1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 cup of self raising flour
1 cup of instant oat
3/4 cup of raisins/sultanas
1 tsp vanilla essence
Whisk the butter and sugar until pale and creamy. Add all the other ingredients. Roll into balls and flatten them to shape like cookies (If they don’t stick too well, add a splash of milk). Bake in a preheated oven at 180 degree Celsius for about 12 – 15 minutes.
And yummy yummy here they are
Good till the last crumb… crummies!
